Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
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JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
So that’s what we looked like?
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
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dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.