Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
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“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.