Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.