Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

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Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you “grocery store checkout line” love them


Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.


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This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…


I’m watching a French show and the guy says, “oui, non, potato,” and the subtitles translate it to, “yes, no, maybe.”


Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.


The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost