Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
the battle rages on
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.