Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
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*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
A drum solo but on your face.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Happy Thanksgiving
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.