Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

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Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.


Walked 2 kms on four lane highway and Fitbit is showing 2 kms covered and not 8.

C’mon Fitbit, update your app with new formula.


interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then


“You have a very large package downstairs.”

I really need to work on how I word things to the men around this office.


Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.


Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?


Being gay isn’t a choice, it’s an involuntary thing that happens when J.K. Rowling decides it’s your time.


[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No


I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.


She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….