@sweatsntopknots

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

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@JUSTLisandra

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

@Vishj05

Walked 2 kms on four lane highway and Fitbit is showing 2 kms covered and not 8.

C’mon Fitbit, update your app with new formula.

@tweetsaboutdog

interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@P0tterhead_394

“You have a very large package downstairs.”

I really need to work on how I word things to the men around this office.

@MichaelAlliman

Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.

@5hael

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

@dontforgetjames

Being gay isn’t a choice, it’s an involuntary thing that happens when J.K. Rowling decides it’s your time.

@mumbletoes

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

@Wanderlust6190

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

@crunchenhancer

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….