Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.