Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
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I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?