@Elifcello

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

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@ddsmidt

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

@TweetPotato314

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

@Gupton68

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

@climaxximus

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

@JohnLyonTweets

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

@JohnHilsen

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

@Dank_Pal

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

@NYC_Blonde

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

@Teretha111

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?