Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
This sounds bad:
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I have no passwords left in me
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.