X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
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was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?