Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
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Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Geez man, take it easy.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will