Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list.



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Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.


[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me


Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.


1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Tell them your name is Waldo
4) Leave


You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she is probably upset at you.


“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”


A special task force of the fbi that tracks down people who never returned their library books