Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
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me: oh thanks
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me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I already tried new things thanks.
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[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
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And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
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Me: Ask your mother
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
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how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840