I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
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Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
If you love someone, let them tweet.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.