Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
The booster protects against what, now?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
yeah 😭
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Okey dokey.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?