Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
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Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.