Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
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I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse