If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
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Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Daughter: Dad do Zombies exist?
Dad: No dear they’re people wearing lots of makeup.
Daughter: Oh like mommy?
Dad: Close enough.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine