Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

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If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.


Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”


Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.


Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter


mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?


me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?


The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.


Daughter: Dad do Zombies exist?

Dad: No dear they’re people wearing lots of makeup.

Daughter: Oh like mommy?

Dad: Close enough.


*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*


Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.