Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
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When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.