Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
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Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was