I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
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My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.