I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
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Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.