Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
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Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*