dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

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[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation


My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.


FRIEND: Want to do Escape the Room?

ME: Dude like 90% of my life is me trying to figure out how to get out of places I don’t want to be


Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…


Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.


[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples


Me: Just once?


Me: Please?


Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?


*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*


9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas