dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
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Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
very niche meme I made
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch