@Kids_kubed

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

You Might Also Like

@ayyyyloser

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

@jordan_stratton

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

@ericsshadow

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

@G_Faylor

[whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?

@sweetg35

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

@TheTweetOfGod

30 And to his followers he said, “Beliebers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they’ll never get to see me in concert.”

@FSUSteve

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

@sixfootcandy

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

@mattZillaaaa

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

@VolatileVani

I’m outside my kid’s door, listening to him and his friends rank hot moms & I’m apparently second so now I guess I have to kill Billy’s mom.