Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
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her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!