Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

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“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.


PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?



WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you


[whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?


I started out with nothing and still have most of it!



30 And to his followers he said, “Beliebers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they’ll never get to see me in concert.”


Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.


Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.


Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.


I’m outside my kid’s door, listening to him and his friends rank hot moms & I’m apparently second so now I guess I have to kill Billy’s mom.