*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
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*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.