*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
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Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Is….Is this an option?
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
pls suprot
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My favorite farside!!
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.