Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Thinking about Jeff
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.