@dumbbeezie

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

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@ipalatsky

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

@mrjohndarby

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

@JT_IV_

What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?

@1Bad_Scientist

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

@DevilryFun

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

@bananagrvyrd

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

@5exyunchained

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

@VanVeenB

Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.

@WilliamAder

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?