– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
You Might Also Like
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?