Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

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– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.


horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course


What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?


*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.


Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.


him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho


Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree


How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?


Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.


What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?