Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Some people were born into their job.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.