@skankymunter

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

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@jngraphs

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

@BeTheCookie

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her

wife: [stops fighting murderer] what

@online_shawn

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

@heyitsJudeD

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

@simoncholland

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

@RamblingMachine

You know what’s sad? 3 of my team members dying of drinking poison and the last dying of a fractured neck because he didn’t drink the poison

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?