*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
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You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her
wife: [stops fighting murderer] what
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
You know what’s sad? 3 of my team members dying of drinking poison and the last dying of a fractured neck because he didn’t drink the poison
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?