Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
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Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK