Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
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Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire