Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
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3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.