Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

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Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush


Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.


Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.



“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes


Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.


saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-culturally poignant


oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you


Sarcasm :

Because life doesn’t come with a free “stay out of jail card”


*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”


What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?