Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
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If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.