Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
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According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.