@Miss_Firefly_

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

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@iAmDelFreaky

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

@sexorpizza

Friend: Hey guess what?

Me: What?

Friend: No, guess!

Me: I don’t need this friendship that bad.

@pilau

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

@JediGigi

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

@JohnLyonTweets

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

@robfee

If you’ve been unemployed for a while, update your resume to say youve been a Blockbuster manager for the last decade. HOW WOULD THEY KNOW!?

@momjeansplease

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

@Jacob_Swift16

I like having conversations on elevators because you know there’s a time limit.

@SICKOFWOLVES

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

@shawnspree

Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world wants you to stop looking at your phone and drive.