Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
me, after any kind of buffet.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake