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I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.