Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

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Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt


There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen


Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.


at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl


[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]



The hard part was giving my homing pigeons dysentery. Training them to follow my boss on his morning run was a piece of cake.


How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.


Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake


The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!


*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*