@Reel2Dialog2

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

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@daemonic3

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

@envydatropic

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

@Reverend_Scott

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

@70Ceeks

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

@MarfSalvador

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

@sonictyrant

The hard part was giving my homing pigeons dysentery. Training them to follow my boss on his morning run was a piece of cake.

@AbbyHasIssues

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

@TheAlexP

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

@WetzelGeek

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

@blitz2six

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*