Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
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[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Who called it baking and not making love
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.