Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.