Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
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What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
yeah no that’s fair
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
what kind of cook setting is this??
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Cardio? Is that in Spain?