finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
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[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
“I always keep a textbook with me when I hook up with girls so there’s no walk of shame I’m an early morning scholar #3.9GPA” – NSU
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*
~Christmas shopping for my wife
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
“No way.” -Jose