@AnniemuMary

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

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@MarkusJ

finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet

@ShortSleeveSuit

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

@AndyAsAdjective

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

@Im_Tricia

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

@collegefession

“I always keep a textbook with me when I hook up with girls so there’s no walk of shame I’m an early morning scholar #3.9GPA” – NSU

@TheBoydP

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

@GrowlyGrego

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

@evofck

My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.

@caithuls

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?