@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

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@BruceForce

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

@SteveSuckington

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

@PS_IRuddYou

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

@velweb

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

@squirrel74wkgn

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

@SteveSuckington

My doctor had a plate of McDonalds food that was a year old to show people that it never rots.
The burger was dry but the fries were decent.

@ashmensch

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

@ohwrigley

I’m watching ‘Dexter’ for inspiration. Entertainment. I meant entertainment.