Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
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Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
My doctor had a plate of McDonalds food that was a year old to show people that it never rots.
The burger was dry but the fries were decent.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I’m watching ‘Dexter’ for inspiration. Entertainment. I meant entertainment.