Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

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Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’


Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.


Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.


My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.


[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby


Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.


My doctor had a plate of McDonalds food that was a year old to show people that it never rots.
The burger was dry but the fries were decent.


Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.


I’m watching ‘Dexter’ for inspiration. Entertainment. I meant entertainment.