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@living_marble: Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
@UncleDuke1969: COP: "How’d the pizza go missing?"
HIM: "It was the cat."
COP: "There was no cat."
HIM: "Someone broke in."
COP: "The doors were locked."
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: "There's cheese on your nose."
HIM: "I want a lawyer."