@living_marble

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

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@Hurly_Burly

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

@Skoog

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

@davetureq

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

@zannah

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

@briangaar

I always carry a pair of shades with me because you never know when you might see a dead body & say something cool

@MavenofHonor

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

@sarcasm_inc

[airport security pulls Robocop aside]
-Got ID?
I AM A POLICE OFFIC-
-Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u.
THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH-
-Save it pal

@Matt_The_1st

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics