Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
You Might Also Like
Not sure that’s the movie I want to see.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I always carry a pair of shades with me because you never know when you might see a dead body & say something cool
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
[airport security pulls Robocop aside]
I AM A POLICE OFFIC-
-Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u.
THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH-
-Save it pal
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics