@living_marble

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

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@68Cly29

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

@Intooblivion3

Before I rip these panties off you I gotta ask. Are they Victoria’s Secret or Wal-Mart? It’s important cause I’m on a budget and I’ll feel obligated to replace them.

@ch000ch

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

@darkmatter_wimp

Satan: “I’m gonna put letters in mathematics. Lol!”

God: “I’m gonna make them all kill each other because of me.”

Satan: “Dude…”

@Reverend_Scott

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

@totallymel

my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal