Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
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I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.