Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person
My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to start the journey from I Can’t Breathe Without You to I’ll Choke You Out In Public.
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All of my friends are in love and I’m still on my own but I’m not gonna feel bad for them.
It came from my waffles.
“What?” I ask, furtively.
“You look really nice today.”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life
Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
If I say “I don’t know, let me look”, I’m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you’re on hold.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Me: I’ve read the Bible cover to cover
Her: Yeah? Prove it.
H: What is the first sentence in it?
M: “Do not remove from motel”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.