Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you鈥檙e wondering what parenthood is like
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I鈥檓 learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That鈥檚 goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I鈥檓 not about that life anymore.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 馃幎…
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i鈥檝e seen their work no thanks
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don鈥檛 want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it鈥檚 him he鈥檚 here
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I鈥檓 going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn鈥檛 touch my fries.
peeping toms
Olympic pairs curling but it鈥檚 just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn鈥檛 take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.