@QwertyJones3

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

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@ozzyunc

It’s a beautiful day to go to the park & watch an owl carry off a Pomeranian.

@Jake_Vig

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

@13spencer

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

@Lisabug74

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

@krishna_van

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

@Reel2Dialog2

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

@sheekaxo

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

@Douchekevin

Bad is accidently sending your buddy a dirty sext intended for your girlfriend.

Worse is getting ‘lemme think about it’ for a reply.

@DaddyJew

8: I want the new iPhone

Me: you’ve never had a phone so you have to start with one of these

8: what’s this?

Me: 2 cans and a string