Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

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It’s a beautiful day to go to the park & watch an owl carry off a Pomeranian.


If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.


New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.


“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.


“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”


[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.


Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.


Bad is accidently sending your buddy a dirty sext intended for your girlfriend.

Worse is getting ‘lemme think about it’ for a reply.


8: I want the new iPhone

Me: you’ve never had a phone so you have to start with one of these

8: what’s this?

Me: 2 cans and a string