Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
You Might Also Like
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.