You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
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Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I like to wear fur coats, but fur is murder, so I just tied 15 live badgers together and this coat is really scratchy and bitey.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
*Reads your tweets, vomits into a bucket, mails bucket to you*- see what you made me do?
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?