@behindyourback

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

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@MikeDrucker

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

@stevevsninjas

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

@hazelmotes1

I like to wear fur coats, but fur is murder, so I just tied 15 live badgers together and this coat is really scratchy and bitey.

@david8hughes

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

@NYorNothing

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

@kentgrossarth

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

@Bottle_of_Death

*Reads your tweets, vomits into a bucket, mails bucket to you*- see what you made me do?

@Contwixt

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.