There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
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One time I wore my brother’s t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you’re probably not making it out alive.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?