@behindyourback

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

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@Tylerosis

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

@ConanOBrien

One time I wore my brother’s t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.

@Ms612

Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you’re probably not making it out alive.

@topaz006

Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.

@WittySassBasket

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

@Ahhmandah

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

@PanicRestroom

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?