Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
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[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”