Me as a therapist: omg same
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My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
This is my pinned tweet
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it