@roboticcrab

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

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@DancesWithTamis

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

@Matt_The_1st

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

@Storminika

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

@junejuly12

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

@OhighIsis

Mom called to ask if I’d take her shopping.

Me: What time?

Mom: Anytime between 1-4.

Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.

@tastefactory

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

@AndrewChamings

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

@abbycohenwl

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading