DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
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USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows