Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
You Might Also Like
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
constantly working on myself.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.