@bobsin

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

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@NicolaJSwinney

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

@birbigs

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

@junejuly12

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

@Douchekevin

Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 times what it’s supposed to?

Yoga pants explained.

@fro_vo

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

@LnL245

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

@AbbyHasIssues

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

@DaddyJew

Judging by this line at Costco it doesn’t look like I’ll ever see my family again.

Sweet.

@robesman

in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i’m leaving