Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 times what it’s supposed to?
Yoga pants explained.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Judging by this line at Costco it doesn’t look like I’ll ever see my family again.
in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i’m leaving