Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
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If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
R.I.P.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.